Work in Progress: Graft

16 Oct

* poof *


7 Responses to “Work in Progress: Graft”

  1. Olivia October 16, 2010 at 6:35 am #

    Very Intense..
    Deep thoughts!!

  2. Mark Olague October 16, 2010 at 2:40 pm #

    Hey Jhoanna, I’ve been going over this poem. I like it a lot. I have some slight suggestions, which you can take with a grain of whatever.

    “shoulder” or “muscles”–I think you need to choose one not both.

    eliminate “wield their” and begin “little knives” but eliminate comma to separate clause and collapse it in one phrase: “little knives precious as (reverse word order) nibbling silver mice.”

    An adjective like “reckless” in front of “neurons’ brings out the car accident trope more fully.

    A substitute for “healthy” maybe “living” unless you feel that’s such a pairing with “dead” is too much.

    Not “happening”–something stronger, more resonant

    Possibly separate last two lines as a mock couplet.

    Other than that, i think it works really well.

    • Jhoanna Aberia October 16, 2010 at 4:33 pm #

      Mark, thanks so much for the revision suggestions. Some great suggestions. -Jho

  3. Jingle October 18, 2010 at 3:50 pm #

    love the last 4 lines,
    stunning images.

    • jhointhecity October 20, 2010 at 2:35 am #

      Thanks so much! I appreciate it.

  4. Katie November 2, 2010 at 12:56 am #

    I love it. Reminds me of the story I told you about slicing off the tip of my thumb in preparation for dinner with Brian and Natasha.
    I’m catching up on your blog right now.

    • jhointhecity November 2, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

      Thanks, love. I’ve revised this one a bit (after Mark’s excellent comments) and I’m pretty darn happy with it.

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